There’s a question I’ve been sitting with for years, in my own life, in the teams I coach, and in the organizations I support:

Why do so many of us believe that the path to happiness is paved by eliminating negative emotions?

I used to believe it too.

Before I began the journey that became Happiness Squad, I had convinced myself that emotional mastery meant not feeling certain emotions at all. If I could outrun anxiety, overpower frustration, or bulldoze shame with productivity, then I would finally feel grounded, successful, and in control.

But as I learned, the hard way, that isn’t how emotions work.
And it isn’t what the science says either.

Recently, I had a powerful conversation on the Flourishing Edge Podcast with Dr. Ethan Kross, award-winning psychologist, professor at University of Michigan and is the bestselling author of Chatter and the brilliant mind behind the new book Shift, which offers a science-backed toolkit for managing emotions in real time.

This conversation helped crystallize a truth I’ve seen in my own life and in the lives of thousands of people I’ve coached:
Negative emotions are not the enemy. They are part of the design.
The real goal is not to eliminate them, it’s to regulate them.
Let me explain.

1. Most People Want to Eliminate Negative Emotions. Science Says That’s the Wrong Goal.

When I look back at my former self, feeling a sense of anxiety, but not understanding why, I was fighting a losing battle.

I wanted the anxiety to disappear.
I wanted the stress to evaporate.

But as Ethan reminds us, negative emotions are features, not flaws.

  • Anxiety exists to prepare us and sharpens focus when something matters.
  • Anger signals a moral violation and mobilizes us to act.
  • Shame alerts us when we violate our own standards and need to recalibrate.
  • Sadness slows us down so we can process, reflect, and integrate.

These emotions evolved because they helped us survive.
Trying to eliminate them is like trying to remove the brakes from a car because they slow you down.

The problem isn’t the emotion itself, it’s the intensity, the duration, and our relationship with it.

A negative emotion that spikes and subsides is information.
A negative emotion that spirals becomes suffering.

That’s where emotional mastery comes in,
not the absence of emotion, but the skillful shifting of emotion.

2. The Evidence-Based Shifts to Regulate Your Everyday Emotions

What I love most about Ethan’s work is how practical it is.
He doesn’t just explain emotions, he gives us tools to work with them.

Here are the six evidence-based “shifters” we discussed on the podcast, along with tools to transform moments of overwhelm into clarity and agency.

SHIFT 1: Relationships – Regulate Through Connection

Humans regulate emotions socially. We always have.

A calm person calms us.
A wise advisor expands us.
Helping someone else restores our sense of capability.

Relationships – Regulate Through Connection

Three tools to use daily:

  • Emotion co-regulation: Spend time with someone grounded; emotions are contagious and calming energy spreads.
  • Your “board of advisors”: Not venting partners. People who empathize and help you reframe.
  • Use Wise Comparison and take inspiration and motivation from those doing better and broaden your perspective from those doing worse.
  • Helping others: When you give support, you regain agency. Your brain remembers, “I can handle hard things.”

SHIFT 2: Cultural Influences – Build Rituals That Anchor You

Culture is not just the country you’re from, it’s your team, your family, your routines.

Every culture has emotional “scripts.”
And you can rewrite yours.

Ways to use culture to regulate:

  • Morning rituals: A consistent start – tea, breathwork, journaling, anchors your emotional baseline.
  • Evening wind-downs: Rituals like journaling or “3 good things” close the emotional loops of the day.
  • Meaning markers: Photos, symbols, quotes that remind you who you are when emotions run high.
  • Celebration habits: Micro-moments of joy reinforce resilience and belonging.

Rituals create emotional safety nets.

SHIFT 3: Physical Environment – Shape Your Space, Shape Your Mind

When life feels chaotic, one of the fastest ways to feel better is to change your physical space.

Ethan shared research that organizing your environment restores a sense of control, especially when internal emotions feel unpredictable.

Favorite tools:

  • Space audit: What in your environment increases stress? What increases calm?
  • Declutter one area: A single organized drawer or desk resets your system.
  • Lighting: Bright light energizes; soft light soothes.
  • Emotional oasis: A corner, a chair, or a view that helps you re-center.

Your environment becomes a co-regulator.

SHIFT 4: Attention Management – Guide Your Spotlight

Where attention goes, emotion flows.

When anxiety rises, our attention narrows and spirals.
Attention-based tools widen the lens:

  • Name it to tame it: Labeling emotions quietens the amygdala and restores clarity.
  • Breathing: Breathe deeply with your diaphragm to calm your nervous system.
  • Purposeful distraction: Engage in a neutral task to interrupt rumination.
  • 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Use your senses to return to the present moment.

These tools help you interrupt the emotional loop so you can return refreshed.

SHIFT 5: Sensory Experiences – Use Your Body to Change Your State

Our senses are direct portals into the emotional brain.

Want to shift your emotional state quickly? Start with sensation:

  • Music: The iso principle, start with music matching your mood and gradually shift toward the mood you want.
  • Touch: A hug or hand on the heart reduces emotional intensity.
  • Nature: Five minutes outside can reset your entire nervous system.
  • Scent + light: Small sensory cues can shift your emotional tone instantly.

Your body often knows how to lead your mind.

SHIFT 6: Perspective – Zoom Out to Reduce Emotional Intensity

Perspective is Ethan’s specialty  and one of the tools I’ve found most transformative.

Perspective – Zoom Out to Reduce Emotional Intensity

When emotions overwhelm us, we collapse into the moment.
Perspective gives us altitude.

Tools that create distance:

  • Distanced self-talk: “Ashish, what are you doing?” is more powerful than “What am I doing?”
  • Mining the past: Remind yourself of times you’ve handled similar challenges.
  • Future-traveling: Ask, “Will this matter in a month? In a year?”
  • Meaning-making: Transform suffering into purpose and learning.

When you widen the frame, the emotion shrinks.

3. Can Negative Emotions Help Us? Yes. But Only If We Understand Them.

This may sound counterintuitive, especially when you’re in the middle of fear or frustration, but negative emotions can be useful when we work with them instead of resisting them.

Ethan shared a personal insight during our conversation that stayed with me:
The talks that went worst for him were the ones where he felt no anxiety, because he didn’t prepare.

I felt that deeply.
Some of my best work, whether presenting, in a coaching session, or in a moment of leadership, came after a flicker of anxiety sharpened my focus.

Negative emotions guide us, prepare us, alert us, motivate us.

But when they surge too high, last too long, or take over our identity, they become harmful.

Emotional mastery is the art of working with the message without being consumed by the messenger.

A Final Reflection: You Don’t Need to Eliminate Emotions, You Need Tools to Shift Them

A decade ago, I didn’t have these tools.
I wish I had Ethan’s framework then, it would have saved me years of unnecessary suffering.

But I have them now.
And you can too.

Emotions are not obstacles on the path to flourishing.
They are invitations to deepen awareness, strengthen resilience, and realign with purpose.

You don’t need to suppress your emotions.
You don’t need to fear them.
And you certainly don’t need to eliminate them.

You just need the right shifts.

Try one today.
Your future self will thank you.

Learn more about Ethan Kross on LinkedIn.

Listen to the podcast with Ashish and Ethan Kross below, You can also listen on Apple Podcasts.

Access and subscribe to all of the episodes of the Flourishing Edge Podcast here.

Make Flourishing Your Competitive Edge.